Monday, December 18, 2006

A Dash of London

The National Gallery is home to my favorite painting, Botticelli's Venus and Mars, so naturally we went for a visit.

Marcus looks dubious.


Discovered at the tube station: an infinitely more accessible version of my painting. And there are christmas presents in that bag, so no peeking.

Home soon.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Thumbin' My Way Down to North Caroline

It's been two weeks of work, work, work, and now I'm throwing things into a suitcase to make my way back to sweet North Carolina. I schlepped to the library this morning to turn in a pile of books with names like Ancient Coffers and Cupboards and Regional Furniture Styles. Oh, what a semester it's been!

I'm flying to London tomorrow, spending the weekend with Marcus (do I see a theme?), and flying home next week. My US phone kicked the proverbial bucket, so if you want to get in touch with me I'd say that email would be your best bet.

Caleb just came over for his nightly visit. We are discussing pressing issues like what pizza to get and the econometric regression of the determinants of male earnings. That's how we roll.

We're off to get pizza and celebrate the end of classes. I am happy to say that I will miss St. Andrews very, very much these next few weeks.

See some of you, my dear ones, very soon. My friends here: be happy and well in all of your various travels and I can't wait to see you in 2007!

love Lauren

Royal College of Art (The Remix)

I panicked because I saw that someone from RCA had looked at my site, so I yanked down my rather... erm... condemning post about my recent visit.

And then I thought "Screw It." So here it is again! Thanks for visiting, RCA Administration!

I travelled to London last weekend to, among other things, attend an open day at the Royal College of Art. I've been idly shopping around the internet for postgraduate programs in museum studies and RCA's one year masters program in Curating Contemporary Art piqued my interest.

Let me preface this by saying that art schools are typically my own personal hell. I hate the way the students slink around the sleekly modern halls, squinting in the even, diffused glow of postmodern self-aggrandizement. They are all dying for their art and here everything is Art: stacks of bowls, bunches of multi-colored wire, piles of lint... Walking through rows of these "installations" tends to make me violently misanthropic, so I will spare further description and instead refer to this gem from one of my favorite webcomics:

toothpaste for dinner
toothpastefordinner.com

I should say that my main reason for disliking art schools is that I feel like their only purpose is to provide an inclusive environment for people who should be working individually. When all these "individuals" get in one place they start to lose their own voice; corners get sanded down and creative expression becomes a muddled, joint effort. Art schools to me are the antithesis of art. They are capitalist, greedy, and self-promoting. They flood the market with coddled "artists" who are trained to think that their work should sell, and when it doesn't they are all like WTF, WHY AM I SO MISUNDERSTOOD. And this attitude irks me.

Anyways...

Marcus agreed that spending an afternoon exploring the egotistical minefield that a ROYAL college of art would no doubt provide promised to be high comedy so we pulled on our head-to-toe black and took the Tube over to South Kensington.

Walking to RCA from the
South Kensington tube station is a lesson in contrasts. First we passed the swank and efficient looking buildings of Imperial College, Marcus' university, where clusters of asians wearing mini-backpacks run around carrying gargantuan textbooks with names like General and systemic pathology, 332nd Edition. Imperial makes me feel like the only woman in a biker bar: noticeably out of place and a little bit scared.

We passed through Imperial and walked up the hill towards RCA past The Royal College of Music and... wait for it... The
Royal College of Organists. Marcus made a joke about the place a few hours earlier and I recall laughing, thinking "royal college of organists? Yeah right! That is hilarious. Marcus is so British and so funny." Turns out yes, it really exists, and Marcus is still British and funny. The RCO, for all of its hilarity, is housed in one of the most beautiful buildings I've ever seen.

Ok, RCA: We walked in to the reception and there was an older gentleman sitting at a little desk talking on his cell phone. He looked up at us in the way one might look at a telemarketer who calls during dinner (if only you could SEE them) and abruptly finished his conversation. We asked nicely how to get to the CCA open day and he sighed and said "for the NINETIETH time, THROUGH the door, DOWN the stairs, and ACROSS the road." Marcus and I were not impressed.

We walked slowly into the bowels of RCA through a long room packed with rows of dreaded INSTALLATIONS. There they were: stacks of bowls, bunches of wire, bundles of sticks wrapped in hair; anemic looking girls with angular haircuts darted down the rows of installations spackling on extra hair and scattering garbage across the floor. I've never seen so many pairs of dark-framed glasses in one place. Marcus started to get noticeably panicked, and I don't blame him seeing as even I was starting to feel like a clumsy pariah in a sea of militant Artists [capital A].

We made it unscathed through the exhibition hall to the second layer of reception where we were greeted by a tiny room full of eager open-dayers and an equally unpleasant receptionist. My hatred for art schools is tempered only by my love of people watching, and let me tell you that there is absolutely no better place to observe human interaction than at an open day -- specifically an open day for curating.

The group was all female except two notable (and ambiguous) exceptions. Everyone was decked out in their finest take-me-seriously-yet-don't-overlook-my-personality garb. My personal favorite was a girl in head to toe houndstooth with an arm full of silver bangles. She must have been about seven feet tall. That was a lot of houndstooth.

[I think it may have been about this time that I remembered in a FLASH that I hate contemporary art. Yes, I want to be a curator, but NOT in contemporary art. How can something so obvious been so grossly overlooked!? Well, there was no turning back. I went from eager to annoyed to belligerent in the space of ten or twelve seconds.]

We filed through reception to a back room, and the deeper we got into the school the more visibly uncomfortable Marcus became. The last door revealed a small room with a large round table -- the last straw for my poor scientist friend. "They are going to ask me questions, I have to leave" he whispered frantically, and high-tailed it for the safety of Imperial and the familiar world of molecular biologists. Looking back I wish I had followed suit, but that is neither here nor there.

I spent the next hour sitting around a large table with 25 people dressed in various incarnations of Topshop's fall line. The director and his number two spent a long time describing the curriculum, the benefits, and the expected outcomes of the course. I was astonished at how often the Tate was referred to as a the end-all be-all of art museums... and at the end of it I could only assume that RCA is a glorified think-tank for the Tate. RCA accepts ten students every year and out of those numbers an EXTREMELY high proportion are now employed in one way or another at the Tate. This doesn't seem right to me. Where is the exchange of ideas, of cultures? So I asked.

I lead with this:
Me:
So, the masters in CCA is essentially a vocational degree, correct?
Director:
That is where I'll have to disagree with you. Har har.
Me:
Ok, regardless, I get the distinct impression that RCA is nothing more than a breeding ground for Tate curators. I'm just wondering if, you know, you are open to institutional criticism? I mean, how much of your class discussion is geared towards critiquing the establishment? Or is that even a consideration?
Director:
Hairs on a bobbin! We are an amazing school and you would be lucky to be here. Brakhegum...hack..arg...
Me:
Ok, thank you.

So maybe it didn't go exactly like that... but everything except the Director's second response is more or less verbatim. I left a few minutes later and walked quickly back down the hill, past the Royal College of Organists, to extract Marcus from Imperial and head home.

I guess it's just as important to figure out where you don't want to go as it is to figure out where you do. But I think the most important thing to learn is that no matter what happens you should always speak your mind, even if it means asking the director of RCA if he is open to institutional criticism.

Photos Before I Go-Go









Monday, December 11, 2006

Time's Winged Chariot



As the end of term draws closer and academic pressure increases I find varied and creative ways to pass the time on the internet. BEHOLD: my latest project, a map showing all the countries I have travelled to in vibrant Red. I wish they were blue; but there I go waxing political again...

When you look at it this way I haven't really been a lot of places. That travel bug sure does itch sometimes.

In other news: I will be back in North Carolina in a week.

Job Interview Blues

I've had lots of requests for an update regarding the JOB INTERVIEW DEBAUCLE of last week. I won't say what museum I interviewed with as I'm seriously concerned that I could be found on the internet, and seeing as I haven't heard one way or another I'm pretty positive that would be a bad move on my part. SO: here it is; the job interview blues.

I'm basically at a loss seeing as I'm pretty sure I blacked out after the first 45 minutes and when I woke up I was walking out of the interview with my coat in my hand thinking "WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!"

I got there at 9 am for a tour of the museum. It was great -- the little old lady who is the secretary of the board took me around. She showed me all the "behind the scenes" bits and was very pleasant. She let me wander around for a while and then at 9:30 the vice president of the board came across the lane to get me for the interview. I was led into the "annex," an under-heated croft house that has been transformed into offices and storage for the museum. I came in through the door and there was a PANEL -- a TABLE FULL-- of 50-60 year old men and women, all in suits, with clipboards, staring down their noses at me. I immediately went into turbo-charge, introducing myself, etc. So at this point I pretty much blacked out, used the word 'ostensibly' wrong, and offended them by saying that the website is bad (it is!). I did, however, have some good ideas for fundraising and for future exhibits (for instance, they were pretty enthusiastic about my experience with oral histories and my ideas about integrating them into an exhibit).

The pinnacle (or low point as it were) of the interview was when they placed three objects from the collection in front of me with a pile of different gloves (latex, nitrile, and cotton) and told me to "pick one and tell us a bit about it." So, I'm assuming that was a test of whether I had objects handling or not (I did! Thanks Renee!) and my knowledge of their collection. I picked a sampler and bumbled my way through it by talking about materials, etc. Basically I had to compose an object description on the spot with zero research... and it was definitely lacking. I depended mostly on Antiques Roadshow. Is that bad?

I really have no idea how it went. It was so good and so bad at the same time. When I left, the director said "I'll be in touch soon," so I guess that's a good sign? I felt very young and wildly under-qualified while I was sitting there. The five poeple who interviewed me are collectively on the board of Oxford, Cambridge, the Maritime Museum, and one is an ex-Victoria and Albert curator. Goodness!

I saw my furniture professor (who is one of the trustees) for tutorial this afternoon and he asked me how it went and I said "grueling." He said "good, if it was grueling that means they are really interested in you."

So, anyways, cross your fingers. I will remain positive? Regardless, the experience was a good one, and now I know how to prepare for similar interviews in the future. I will start reading up now.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

A Plea To Americans In London

When you are on the Tube, or on the sidewalk, or in traffic, STAY TO THE LEFT:


If I see one more yokel in a flesh-colored moneybelt trying to fight upstream on the tube like a salmon ready to spawn I will have to hand in my passport.

That said, I may or may not have been almost flattened by a bus. And I've been here three months.

London: Salsa, Thanksgiving

The rest of my weekend in London was good, solid fun. On Saturday we went to Club Salsa and danced the night away. Doug caught me WORKING IT on the dance floor in my trademark subtle and cool style:We also celebrated belated Thanksgiving at Marcus' flat. Gabriella took an epic bus journey to be with us as well. It was just like Thanksgiving at home, only with less turkey and more British people. I made roast chicken, stuffing, sweet potatoes, cheese biscuits, Mama Dip's green beans, cranberry, and cheese cake. Gabriella's face in this picture pretty much sums it all up:

Ovens in England are fan-operated. Who knew? I miss the good ol' clunker at 600 N Greensboro. Remember when it caught on fire? Good times. I am happy to report that I survived cooking thanksgiving in England; temperature and measurement conversions included. Hurrah!

Friday, December 08, 2006

I Say A Little Prayer For You



There is only one week of classes left before we all go home for the Holidays. Where has the time gone? I leave St. Andrews in a week!

In other news, I have figured out how to embed video into my blog, so expect an even more exciting multi-media experience from now on. This little gem was shot last night during our post-work (Julia) and post-interview (me) party. It wasn't so much a party as it was an hour or so of dancing to sweet tunes selected for us by Pandora followed by fourteen solid hours of sleep. I am EXHAUSTED... or is it just seasonal depression?

I am loving it here so much these days.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Flatalicious

Pictures of the flat due to popular demand... it took me a while, but that's because I was waiting for sunny days to dispel rumours that I am huddling in an ill-lit cave eating gruel. Here it is!

Stairs up to the flat. Penthouse? I like to think so.

Room with a view.

The world's largest bed in the world's largest bedroom. I can see the beach from that window. I can also see lots of the goings-on of my neighbors.

The kitchen has some lovely Scandinavian art on the walls.
It is also very white and begs me to spend money on cleaning supplies.

Caleb lives on my windowseat. He also likes this picture because "you can't see my face." Oh, and it's dark at 4 pm.

It's that big: the world's largest bed. Oh, and it came with approximately 94 pillows of various sizes. None of them fit my pillowcases. See also some more Scandinavian textile art. Oh, and those are my clothes drying on racks. How old world, you might say.

And here's a picture of an academic family crammed in a phone box, just for good measure.

I have my interview at the museum tomorrow morning bright and early. Once I finish with that I will sit down and write a proper entry about the weekend. Funny stories for sure. Stay tuned.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Happy St. Andrews Day

Today was St. Andrews Day, meaning we got the day off from classes and all museums around town were free! Julia, Caleb, and I went straight for St. Rule's tower and the St. Andrews castle. For a photo journal of our exploits click here. Fourth years gone mad!

I'm about to get on the bus to Glasgow: land of tire-irons and knife bans. See you all on Monday!



Women's Hearts Run On Gasoline

I'm going to GLASGOW tomorrow evening and then flying down to LONDON the next morning. I am looking at graduate schools, cooking a turkey, and staying with Marcus. We might even see Spamalot. Back on Tuesday! Excitement abounds!

Monday, November 27, 2006

Highlights from Glen Shee

Yesterday's trek through Glen Shee was brilliant. Fun fact: Glen Shee is called Gleann Shith in Gaelic and means 'Glen of the Faeries.' We climbed three Munros yesterday, bringing my tally up to five. Only 279 to go! If you haven't the faintest idea of what a munro is please click here.

We hiked for about 7 hours with stops for lunch and map-reading. Once the fog lifted the views were spectacular; the light is so beautiful this time of year! Everything has a very long shadow. Eat your heart out, Tuscany.

Here are some photos. Click on them to enlarge.

Surrounded by fog at the summit of the day's first Munro

The skiing in Scotland is so much better than say, Switzerland.





Panorama-mania continues. This is my favorite.

The snow was thigh-deep in some places, making me think of that poem my dad likes to recite to anyone who will listen whenever it snows:

A snow of snows
A blizzard of blizzards
with snow on the ground
clear up to their gizzards.

It is, of course, from The Berenstein Bears, but that does nothing to dimish its pure message and eloquent rhyme scheme.

I am ex-HAUSTED today. Currently holed up in bed (three cheers for wireless!), but heading to the library in a bit to work on my paper for Scottish furniture. Back to the grind.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Rolling Along [new flat, etc]

Yesterday was the first of many moving days for THE NEW FLAT. The extraordinary Caleb Calhoun helped me schlep a giant load of clothes up the hill from Andrew Melville and we laughed the whole way.

The flat is gorgeous, if wanting for closet space, and we spent the first twenty minutes sitting at the kitchen table in disbelief. Caleb pretty much summed it up when he said "I feel like we are guests and we're just sitting here waiting for the real owners to come home."

The flat is funny... there are all these switches you have to turn on if you want hot water, heat, fans, etc. It's a completely different way of living from what I'm used to, and everything seems to be geared towards energy efficiency. So far I find that it works out well, especially for one person, and the giant refridgerators and central heating of yore seem archaic and [dare I say it] wasteful.

There are two tv's though, which is kind of weird... especially when I only get one channel and all that plays on it is that one Nicholas Cage movie where he's in Vegas with Sarah Jessica Parker. Over and over again.

The kitchen is crammed with cutlery, dishes, and all kinds of pots and pans, and as it goes I felt moved to cook a big ol' dinner and invite my friends over. So, we had a little impromptu flat warming last night and it was wonderful; Laurie even made me a sweet flatwarming cd aptly called 'Flatalicious.'

I have the place to myself until February when Jamie gets here, so I did what anyone would do and pushed the two beds together to make THE WORLD'S LARGEST BED. I did some snow-angels last night before drifting off to sleep and it was glorious.

My internet access will be limited for the next two weeks or so until I can get broadband set up in the flat. Apparently it's difficult to get internet so I'm hoping I can steal wireless from the neighbors [ssssh, don't tell].

London next weekend, then two weeks of class, and then I'm home for Christmas. WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?

love xx

Thursday, November 23, 2006

TURKEY FIIRREAL

Happy Thankgiving you lucky, lucky Americans.

I just staggered home from New Hall where Casey Hull made me Thanksgiving dinner!

This Saturday I get to have ANOTHER thanksgiving courtesy of the lovely Erica Neiser, so basically it's like I never left Asheville because I still get to have two Thanksgivings! (too soon? oh, dear)

Thanksgiving is alive and well in Scotland, even though we all have to eat roast chicken because a raw turkey costs FIFTY POUNDS (um, that's 100 US dollars). Brilliant.

Anyways, I'm thinking of all of you today, but mainly I am thinking of my grandmother's sweet potato souffle. It is real nice. But you too, all of you. I love you?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

On Facebook

I'd like to take you on the ride I had a few minutes ago. We'll call it "A Lesson In Contrasts."

I got home from lecture today and checked facebook. Thanks to the glorious mini-feed, I was told that several of my friends had just added pictures to their profiles. First up was this gem from my buddies at Sweet Briar College who had just had the "Old South" party of 2006:

No doubt these fellas are tucking in to a giant plate of biscuits n' gravy... Nothing like a little sawmill to cure a hangover! Looking at this picture was honestly shocking for me. I haven't seen people like this in quite some time. Maybe it's the civil war hats, and maybe it's the deadly pink striped polo and blazer combo... but all I know is I really want a country ham biscuit right about now. Seriously, it felt like 20 years of being Southern slammed right down on top of me. I spend my time here covering up the accent, suppressing the use of "y'all" as much as possible, and using words like "queue" and "mobile"... but I can't deny that I know exactly what those hats mean. And I know a lot of people who wear them with pride.

Ok, moving on...

So then I saw this picture from Raisin Weekend, taken early on Monday morning during the traditional foam fight:

And all I could think was What kind of strange double life am I living? And where do I belong now? You have to remember that these kids just paraded down a medieval cobblestone street wearing costumes and carrying giant objects with long Latin inscriptions. They are from places with names like Pickletillum and East Yorkshire. Most of them have never heard of Stonewall Jackson or Cracker Barrel (both of equal importance in my mind), and yet these are the people I eat, study, and live with.

I've always been "worldly" to some extent. I've been fortunate enough to have a family that promoted travel, and when travel wasn't happening there was always copious amounts of reading to be done. I went to an international boarding school and some of my very best friends are from outside of the US. And yet... nothing can prepare you for that supreme moment of culture shock when you realize that you are totally out of context in one way or another.

I'm slowly getting the hang of life in St. Andrews. I'm learning the short cuts, the best place to get a sandwich, and how to avoid having one's umbrella blown backwards. I found a flat to live in, figured out the train system, and even managed to make some friends along the way.

But how can I ever go back? I've already experienced an inexorable change, and it took a bunch of good ol' boys in Dixie hats to teach me that. I guess it's kind of like the proverbial tree in the forest: without my Dixie hat background I could never truly feel the profound shift I've made in my soul... but without that shift I could never know how deeply rooted I am in my southern roots. And how much I love it.

I'll be honest: there is a strong vein of anti-American sentiment over here. Again, I won't go in to politics, but when I left the US I was pretty anti-American myself. I was glad to be leaving. Things were bleak, and still are to some extent, but hearing my same complaints echoing from the mouths of international students was particularly jarring, and for the most part I was reinvigorated with a new-found love for my country. Of course our leader is incompetent. We know that... 61Percent (isn't that what it is now?) of us in fact. The approval rating for the War in Iraq is at an all-time low: 37 percent. But there is a lot that is good about the US, and it took me some time away to really appreciate how wonderful we are in a lot of ways.

So, you can understand my chagrin when I saw this group on St. Andrews' facebook (for those of you who do not know what facebook is, it is a social networking website kind of like myspace. Members have a profile page with information about themselves and they have the option of supporting groups like this one, the title of which will appear on their profile):

Petition To Revoke the Independence of the United States of America

Description:
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2007.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.


... Now, I understand that this is written to be funny (right?), but I couldn't help but be wildly offended at several points. I guess what I don't understand, and maybe this is a childish response to someone's elaborate joke, is why someone would write something like this when they obviously haven't been to the US. I mean, maybe they've been to New York City, but as we all know NYC could be any small European country (but we'll take The New Yorker and the Met for America, please) as far as true American-ness goes ... I really don't know what I'm trying to say... I guess it's just that there is so much good in the US and I'm afraid that popular opinion is going to make it obsolete.

My American friends: Chin up! Just because Madonna fakes a British accent doesn't mean you have to.

My British (and other) friends: cut us some slack. We're actually pretty cool if you can take a minute. We just want to know about your culture. So we can invade you. I MEAN WHAT?!

PENCILS DOWN

I have to give a presentation tomorrow morning in my Jane Austen class. I am talking about Patricia Rozema's 1999 film adaptation of Mansfield Park and how it treats the Burkean ideal of the "big house" and the patriarch. Edmund Burke AGAIN? Geez. As far as I'm concerned this class should be called EN4005: Novels You Have Already Read, But This Time In The Context of Edmund Burke.

Raisin weekend was AMAZING and so much fun. I'm waiting for pictures to appear on facebook so I can post them here. My photos are... lacking. I had a wonderful time with Julia, Rachel, Bridget, and Caleb. Rachel was a superb mum and made me feel like I was 18 years old again! Oh, peer pressure.

I've got two big pieces of news:
1. I have an interview on December 7th for the museum job (Danger!)
2. I AM MOVING INTO A FLAT TOMORROW

Here are some photos. It is just about the cutest place EVER. And I don't use the word "cute" liberally.
This is the lounge. The flat comes fully furnished (most in the UK do), so I get to call that fabulous armoire my very own for 6-12 months. It's a fourth floor walk-up in an Edwardian building. That bay window looks out over the street and lets in plenty of golden Scottish sunshine.
This is the kitchen, with beautiful hardwood floors, a window-seat, and a sweet view over town. There is even a washing machine! Heaven!

I can't even express how excited I am about living here. I'll post more pictures once I have settled in. Everyone can come visit me now that I have a proper house! I can make you dinner and give you a bed to sleep in. Life is good!

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Apocolypse Right Now

This weekend is Raisin Weekend. What does THAT mean, you might ask. Well, here is a lengthy description from our student website called The Sinner:

Raisin Weekend Raisin Weekend is centred around the unique St Andrews tradition of the "academic family".

Each first year (or at least those who choose to take part - it is not compulsory) is adopted by an academic mother and academic father - who are usually, but not always, in their third or fourth year. In one form or another, Raisin Weekend has been around since the very earliest days of the university. It was, and still is, a "rite of passage" for new students.

On Raisin Sunday, first years spend the day with their academic parents. First of all, they attend a tea party with their mother at which, traditionally, not much tea but a great deal of alcohol is consumed. Later, the children are collected by their fathers and the evening is spent in the drinking of yet more alcohol.

In return for their parents' kindnesses, the first year is expected to give them each a bottle of wine. This is deemed the modern equivalent of a pound of raisins (actually, the modern equivalent of a pound of raisins IS a pound of raisins) which was the usual gift way back in the mists of time when students had a bland diet (has this changed much?)

On the following day (handily called Raisin Monday) and after being woken up, sobered up, cleaned up, and dressed up in outlandish clothes, freshers are presented with their Raisin Receipts. These are written in Latin and is a way of acknowledging the gift of raisins. They always used to be on parchment. Nowadays, almost certainly, the receipt will be something large, embarrassing and cumbersome which has to be carried around.

The gift-giving does not end here. Academic mothers give each of their children "Raisin Strings" with a small gift attached. The gift or "favour" is supposed to reflect the personality of the child. The number of Raisin Strings depends on the status of the mothe
r. It is one string per year of matriculation - blue for first year, crimson for second, gold for third and black for fourth. These strings, with gift still attached, will eventually be tied to the child's gown hooks.

After all this largesse, children are paraded through the town until they arrive at Sallies Quad. En route, third years, fourth years and graduates of the university (if they are wearing their gowns) can stop any fresher and examine their Raisin Receipt. If they find a mistake in it then they can demand that the Gaudeamus be sung as punishment. Once at Sallies Quad, between 11 and 12 o'clock, a foam fight nearly always breaks out - it's almost traditional. The striking of 12 o'clock means the end of the fun for another year, and sees students slowly drifting off. Parents perhaps to have photos developed. Freshers, almost certainly, to sleep.


So what does that mean for me? All I know is that I'm going to four parties tomorrow. I guess the rest remains to be seen. I am simultaneously a "child" and an "aunt" in various academic families. I'll have a big ol' entry to sum it up for you in a couple of days.

Last night the Andrew Melville Committee threw a midnight black-tie screening of the new James Bond film. We went en masse and sippled free martinis in the upper balcony while watching Daniel Craig frolic around Montenegro in various stages of undress. Fabulous!

I am EXHAUSTED tonight and Raisin Weekend hasn't even started yet! Danger.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

General Uproar

There was such a backlash after my last post -- so many people saying "Lauren! Please update your blog! I don't know what I'll do without your cynical, biting observations! MacNorthup is my homepage!" -- that I decided I better drag myself out of bed and deliver. So here's one for you, the people, and it even has pictures.

First of all, I got bangs:


I know, right? Incidentally, "bangs" are called "fringe" in Scotland and calling them otherwise will get you laughed at.

I'm back in St. A's after some time away and I've found that it was exactly what I needed to really appreciate where I live. St. Andrews has become my home now and I'm ok with that. I turned in my [crap] essay for Jane Austen class on Monday morning and spent the next hour or so just walking around, admiring the cobblestones and snapping photos. The weather was lovely, the leaves are a-changing, and have I told you that the view from the English building is CASTLE RUINS? See for yourself:


I was so happy to see all the girls of the illustrious E block, and we had a great time catching up over dinner last night. My biggest news is that I went to a furniture auction and managed to win a bidding war for THE MOST FABULOUS SCOTTISH WINDSOR CHAIR EVER. Ah, furniture auctions, an addiction undying. Here are some photos, because I know that's how LAURA OVERBEY ROLLS:


This is the chair of my life. I hope to die sitting in it, or something along those lines. It is made of Elm and "other woods" and is positively beautiful.

I'll finish with some views of St. Andrews: rain and shine.

This is Market Street and, as the name would denote, is where all the shops are. Check the cobblestones and the hundreds of little chimneys. Where am I again?

That's right, I'm in SunTanDrews.
[this may very well be the greatest shop name. ever.]

My path from English to Art History... walking on the left like a good Scot.

Who shells she shells by the shea shore? Those are classrooms on the right, frigid water on the left, and cliffs of death in-between.

Those sidewalks are getting medieval on you.

Danger: I walk along cliffs to get to class. That's the North Sea, y'all

And then there are the cathedral ruins at the end of town...
No big deal, just take a left when you pass through the FOURTEENTH CENTURY ARCH.


This is inside St. Mary's College, the part of the University where the cupboard is kept! Fun fact: that tree was planted by Mary, Queen of Scots.

This photo was viciously stolen from Gwen, but it is a good show of Scotland in the rain. This is what St. Andrews looks like every three days or so. It's not so bad, but that's because I'm really tall so my face is further away from puddles [wha?]

Time check: it's 4:30 in the afternoon and it's DARK. Please also note the glorious curtains I have in my room. They are magnificent and a living testament to the taste and good judgement of whoever selected them.


Here's what I have on my plate this week:
- Slide exam [aforementioned 200 Scottish chairs]
- Presentation on Mansfield Park [multi-media?]
- finding a flat and breaking my housing contract [turns out this is more difficult than it should be]
- collecting my free drink at the Byre Theatre
- ice skating with Breakaway
- scheduling meetings and open days with various graduate programs around the UK [they're coming up, y'all!]


Geez, what a boring list. Uncanny.
I'm just a regular old student now?