I got home from lecture today and checked facebook. Thanks to the glorious mini-feed, I was told that several of my friends had just added pictures to their profiles. First up was this gem from my buddies at Sweet Briar College who had just had the "Old South" party of 2006:
No doubt these fellas are tucking in to a giant plate of biscuits n' gravy... Nothing like a little sawmill to cure a hangover! Looking at this picture was honestly shocking for me. I haven't seen people like this in quite some time. Maybe it's the civil war hats, and maybe it's the deadly pink striped polo and blazer combo... but all I know is I really want a country ham biscuit right about now. Seriously, it felt like 20 years of being Southern slammed right down on top of me. I spend my time here covering up the accent, suppressing the use of "y'all" as much as possible, and using words like "queue" and "mobile"... but I can't deny that I know exactly what those hats mean. And I know a lot of people who wear them with pride.Ok, moving on...
So then I saw this picture from Raisin Weekend, taken early on Monday morning during the traditional foam fight:
And all I could think was What kind of strange double life am I living? And where do I belong now? You have to remember that these kids just paraded down a medieval cobblestone street wearing costumes and carrying giant objects with long Latin inscriptions. They are from places with names like Pickletillum and East Yorkshire. Most of them have never heard of Stonewall Jackson or Cracker Barrel (both of equal importance in my mind), and yet these are the people I eat, study, and live with.I've always been "worldly" to some extent. I've been fortunate enough to have a family that promoted travel, and when travel wasn't happening there was always copious amounts of reading to be done. I went to an international boarding school and some of my very best friends are from outside of the US. And yet... nothing can prepare you for that supreme moment of culture shock when you realize that you are totally out of context in one way or another.
I'm slowly getting the hang of life in St. Andrews. I'm learning the short cuts, the best place to get a sandwich, and how to avoid having one's umbrella blown backwards. I found a flat to live in, figured out the train system, and even managed to make some friends along the way.
But how can I ever go back? I've already experienced an inexorable change, and it took a bunch of good ol' boys in Dixie hats to teach me that. I guess it's kind of like the proverbial tree in the forest: without my Dixie hat background I could never truly feel the profound shift I've made in my soul... but without that shift I could never know how deeply rooted I am in my southern roots. And how much I love it.
I'll be honest: there is a strong vein of anti-American sentiment over here. Again, I won't go in to politics, but when I left the US I was pretty anti-American myself. I was glad to be leaving. Things were bleak, and still are to some extent, but hearing my same complaints echoing from the mouths of international students was particularly jarring, and for the most part I was reinvigorated with a new-found love for my country. Of course our leader is incompetent. We know that... 61Percent (isn't that what it is now?) of us in fact. The approval rating for the War in Iraq is at an all-time low: 37 percent. But there is a lot that is good about the US, and it took me some time away to really appreciate how wonderful we are in a lot of ways.
So, you can understand my chagrin when I saw this group on St. Andrews' facebook (for those of you who do not know what facebook is, it is a social networking website kind of like myspace. Members have a profile page with information about themselves and they have the option of supporting groups like this one, the title of which will appear on their profile):
Petition To Revoke the Independence of the United States of America
Description:
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed."
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2007.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
... Now, I understand that this is written to be funny (right?), but I couldn't help but be wildly offended at several points. I guess what I don't understand, and maybe this is a childish response to someone's elaborate joke, is why someone would write something like this when they obviously haven't been to the US. I mean, maybe they've been to New York City, but as we all know NYC could be any small European country (but we'll take The New Yorker and the Met for America, please) as far as true American-ness goes ... I really don't know what I'm trying to say... I guess it's just that there is so much good in the US and I'm afraid that popular opinion is going to make it obsolete.
My American friends: Chin up! Just because Madonna fakes a British accent doesn't mean you have to.
My British (and other) friends: cut us some slack. We're actually pretty cool if you can take a minute. We just want to know about your culture. So we can invade you. I MEAN WHAT?!
