Lauren does Scotland: Eurovision In A Nutshell

A few weeks ago my Swedish friend Julia mentioned that I should start getting pumped for Eurovision because it was coming soon and boy, was she ever excited. This past Saturday Bridget and I represented the stars and stripes for an otherwise Swedish-heavy viewing of Eurovision 2007. And boy, was it exciting.

[My European readers will have to bear with me as I explain Eurovision to my mostly American fan base]

Eurovision is kind of like what would happen if American Idol and Elton John had a crack baby who grew up to produce his own telivised song contest. Sounds kind of cool, right? Well, if we're going with that analogy, the contestants would be required to write their own songs and also have to be the most cracked-out, sexually ambiguous social rejects imaginable. In costumes.

The entrants might have talent, but most often they will not. Looking good in heavy eyeliner and a bodice of the goth persuasion also helps, but is not entirely necessary. Sounds amazing? I know. Eat your heart out, Kelly Clarkson.

Saturday night we snuggled into Julia's bed and tuned in for what turned out to be the most entertaining three hours of television I have probably ever seen (barring of course Antiques Roadshow marathons, but that goes without saying). 28 countries competed for the win, including such dark horses as Bosnia, Israel, Albania, Montenegro, Belarus, Slovenia, and Latvia. Ten points if you can point to each of those on a map; and I mean really point to them, not say (like me) "isn't it just south of Russia?"

The competition was fierce, with countries like Poland cramming English, French, Italian, and Spanish lyrics into a 3 minute song in a desperate bid for votes. You can't vote for your own country, you see, so most of the competition is about appealing to other countries. All of Europe phoned in their picks during a feverish 15 minute period and a winner was announced around 11 pm to mass hysteria. It's odd how the voting doesn't seem to be based on talent but rather on faded political alliances -- for instance, Malta (a former British colony) gave all its points to the UK. In a related note: the UK finished second-to-last. Blame it on the Eastern bloc?

Anyways, my personal favorite (and second place!) was Verka Serduchka of UKRAINE. I pulled hard for him/her (well, not hard enough to spend 25p phoning in my vote, but still pretty hard) and I still can't believe he/she lost. What kind of world is it where an androgynous man with a giant silver star on his head pulls second place?

I am so, so excited about showing you guys this clip, you have no idea. Please do yourself a huge favour and watch it. You may never be the same:

I know, I know. It's poetry.

Next time you're snuggled up at home in the US of A watching Lifetime or ABC Family I want you to think of me far away in Scotland watching Verka do his thang. Oh, European television; why are you so amazing?

I will end with a clip of the French contenders, Les Fatals Picards. Hey, here's an interesting fact: their costumes were designed by Jean Paul Gaultier. My favourite bit is when the bald man in the cat blazer starts running circles around the stage. Seriously France, get yourselves together; you are a hot mess.